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Men are taller.
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
How many husbands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
How are men like public toilets?
They're either taken, they're full of shit, or they're out of order
How are men like parking spaces?
The ones that aren't taken, are handicapped.
What's a good way to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.
Why do men make millions of sperm cells when only one is needed to fertilize the egg?
Have you ever known a man to ask for directions?
What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework?
Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.
What is the difference between a man and E. T.?
At least E. T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?
When the psychiatrist tries to take him back to his childhood, he is already there.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a young woman in a bikini.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
Because they should be.
What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
Move the TV into the bedroom.
Why do most women fake orgasm?
Because, most men fake foreplay.
What is a hard man good to find?
You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
What do you need when you have three male chauvinist pigs up to their necks in cement?
More cement.
What do men enjoy even more than lots of sex?
Having their buddies believe them when they talk about it.
How do you know when a man has an orgasm?
He rolls over and starts snoring.
What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper?
I could have done that.
Why did the inexperienced man make such a lousy lover?
He kept waiting for the swelling to go down.
Why are men like microwave popcorn?
They're done in 30 seconds.
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
They were originally intended for children but it's men who play with them.
How do you get a macho guy to stop calling "it" The Whopper, My Bazooka, and The Thunder Rod?
Ask, "Is it in?"
What's the average man's definition of foreplay?
Unzipping his fly.
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
A cock that stays up all night.
Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease.
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Single.
How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the emergency room.
A husband arrived home to find his wife in bed with another man. He shouts, "What are you doing What are you doing?"
The wife says, "See, I told you he was dumb."
What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?
Forty-five minutes.
What's the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.
What do you call 15 guys lying on top of one another?
A scrotum pole.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
If A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
How does a man define "long term relationship"?
A second date.
Why did it take Moses 40 years to get out of the desert?
He was a typical man, who didn't want to stop and ask directions.
Ninety nine percent of all men give the others a bad name.
How do you force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote between his toes.
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.
A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.
Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Q: Why did God create men?
A: Cucumbers don't take out the garbage.
Why is psychoanalysis faster for men than for women?
It's quicker for men to regress. They are still in their childhood.
What's the difference between a savings bond and a man?
The savings bond matures.
If we can put a man on the moon.....
why don't we put them all there?
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
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